Whole.

Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world.

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It is a burning concoction of grief, loss, anger, disappointment, bitterness and pain. Pain so sharp and intense that it grips at your core and seeps into your peripheries. Every single thing around you screams pure, passionate, excruciating hurt. You try to push the hurt away but realise you can’t even walk to the corner store without a glance at something that triggers a memory that only seems to break you even more. You fluctuate from normal to insanity in a matter of seconds and you realise that you don’t even know what normal is anymore because you’re drowning in a dizzy, disorientated mess of emotion. You can hardly see what’s in front of you when your vision is obscured by hot, fresh tears. The tightness in your chest tells you that nothing will ever be the same again.

I know this feeling. I have been there. I understand.

I will never forget the feeling of my first ever breakup. I was only seventeen but when you’re so young, you’re also naÏve enough to think that you really will get married and live happily ever after to the person you first fell in love with. That innocence of first love is what makes it beautiful but excruciating. I remember it like it was yesterday. August. Sunny day, slight summer breeze. I wore a denim mini skirt and a checked shirt. A park bench. The shock, the despair. The denial that two and a half years could just disappear in a puff of smoke. Calling my two best friends to come by afterwards and watch me cry like a baby and change my relationship status on Facebook (hey, that’s what we did back in ’09). Not eating for a week. Wanting the ground to swallow me up. And then anger. The unwillingness to accept I ever deserved something like this. The world is against me. The numbness. Trying to rationalise it all.

And then the acceptance. And evolution.

I made so many mistakes in my first relationship that I only realised months and years later. And I know now that such an adverse event in my life was a pivotal moment in making me the person I am now. Not only did I feel rejuvenated and thicker skinned in the months to come… I realised I was only beginning to discover the person whom I had forgotten to love for so so long. Me.

And such a lesson is essential to life. It is only by giving yourself the same care, love and affection that you dedicate to the other person that you realise that you are whole. You do not need anyone to complete you. You alone are truly truly blessed and wonderful in so many ways. You have always been able to stand on your own two feet. There are so many people around you who love you and care about you. But even if they weren’t there… you still have yourself. It is possible to be your own best friend because the only real constant in your life is you. When you’re able to push past the distress you’re feeling right now, the blanket of perspective will fall over your whole life and you will glow with gratitude. The past becomes the past and you come to terms with being able to leave it there.

People change and grow out of each other sometimes. Often this doesn’t make either person ‘bad’. That’s just life and the nature of relationships. I don’t think heartbreak is given enough credit sometimes as one of the most terrible things a person has to go through. But my point is that the good that can come out of it can even outweigh the bad. Heartbreak gives you a platform to really really focus on yourself. Suddenly all this time that you dedicated to that person in your life becomes yours and you can really spend it on you. You can do the things you want. You can reconnect with the peace inside you (or the universe or God or whatever it may be for you, lovely reader). You can feel wonderful again because all you need is you by your side. And that is what true strength and independence feels like.

And when you eventually reach a place where you have found love in another stranger’s eyes, you remember that strength. You remember that you’re whole. You remember that you can completely rely on yourself because the only person that you need to make you happy is you. And you shake off the insecurity and embrace the vulnerability because you know you can get through anything. I truly believe that the best relationships happen when neither person feels as though they need to be with someone… rather they’re quite happy alone but they just want to be with each other. Because even though life is already amazing, for this moment in time, they happen to add a little extra sprinkle of awesome.

Regardless of anything and everything else… you are whole.

I know that if I end up going through heartbreak again the pain will still be sharp and stabbing and everything will hurt and I’ll cry to my two best friends like a baby all over again. I’m no hero. I’m still a girl who suffers from frequent oestrogen fuelled outbursts, binges on chocolate and Netflix and watches proposal videos on YouTube. But I am now actively trying to focus on myself all the time. Society makes out that loving yourself and brimming with confidence makes you a conceited idiot. I thought that for a while too. It absolutely doesn’t. When you accept and love yourself, that’s your greatest gift to you and your ultimate key to happiness. You, dear reader, are bloody wonderful. Please proceed to hug yourself because you should be telling yourself that every day.

For anyone going through the ordeal of heartbreak right now… know that there is not just light at the end of the tunnel but brilliant, glorious rays of sunshine. Keep walking through that darkness and let the truest and happiest you make its way to the surface. Then get your shades out and walk out of that tunnel because you have everything to celebrate.

Take care my chums,

Love and hugs, Gowri xxxxxxxxx

P.S. I want to dedicate this to my little Dixy’s chicken. I love you so much you gorgeous person and I promise you that everything will turn out great.

2 thoughts on “Whole.

  1. Yes love comes with pain. Be it your friends, boyfriend, husband or kids. Even when they leave yiu for a few days you feel lost. But that makes your life whole as well.

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  2. Gowri ,I know the feeling very well, having experienced it relatively late in my life,but it makes you realise the supreme truth that you are alone in your lifev , you come alone and you go alone from this world, you should love yourselves and take good care of yourself. Finding hapiness in external things will not sustain as it is beyond our capacity to regulate them to our satisfaction always.
    Wishing you a merry and meaningful life in the future.

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