On Waking Up.

My thoughts are spinning around in such a whirlwind that I can barely contain myself. The desperation to pour and spill and write and analyse and try, just relentlessly try to make sense of what just happened is crashing through my entire system with a force I haven’t felt so strongly in years.

How did you do that? How did you wake me up like that? What did you do? How did you, in the space of seven hours, challenge my perceptions of myself, of my life, of my values, beliefs and ideas? How did you create such a space where I felt such blissful freedom and clarity and intensity all at once? Is this what it feels to connect? Why have I never experienced it so effortlessly before?

I thought I knew myself so well. I thought I knew what it was to listen to my intuition and to be in touch with whatever naturally flows within me. Was I wrong? Have I become so comfortable with the thought that I know myself that I have stopped questioning it? Have I stopped challenging myself and pushing myself to achieve what you have made me realise I am capable of? What did you do? You looked right into me and with little or no coercion, my deepest thoughts, fears, passions, insecurities and questions swam to the surface.

I have not yet met a person who can out-think me. But you did.

What do I feel right now? The most prominent emotion, sitting right at the centre of my chest is shock. My eyes are abnormally widened today. I feel buzzed… like I’ve drank eight cups of coffee and I have this burning ball of energy inside me that I need to release. It’s only beginning.

Next, lies the curiosity. I long to understand the shift that took place in my mind last night. The intensity of shock will die down before long. I am able to sense that. But the curiosity won’t die down. Herein, lies a deep and true desire to learn what it was that made you make me open myself up to you like that.

I have so much to learn from you. What we have just embarked on in something that is so far from conventional. It’s raw and authentic and it terrifies me. It terrifies me that the way you challenge me will have me exposing every one of my vulnerabilities like a deck of cards splayed recklessly across the table of my current existence. The amount of time we have spent together, counted in mere hours is irrelevant. The energy shift is what I am focusing on. You could change me.

You will grow out of me. I already know that. I already know this will be something we explore and exhaust. It will throw more obstacles at me than it will at you. Because you’re worldly and wise and you understand things that I don’t and won’t understand yet. I can sense already, that I am so much more profoundly affected by all of this than you are, or will be. Hence, you’ll grow out of me. Because that’s the reality you’ve chosen for yourself. You will, however, leave a lasting imprint on my life and I won’t forget the things you will make me teach myself.

No one I speak to could dream of comprehending the depth of the shift I felt yesterday. Except you. No one who reads this right now will understand what I’m talking about, because it just looks like words. Except you. Even I might not understand this in a few weeks or months time when this feeling dulls. But you will continue to understand it because you just do.

And then look at you, telling me to process it and slow down? I thought that was going to be my line.

You told me that anything we feel and see in others is a projection of something internal. If that is the case… I just realised that I had these fixed beliefs on what happens between two people and you have thoroughly shaken them. I realised that I still go through life, largely thinking I’m not good enough. From the rock bottom place I once came from, I’ve moved onwards and upwards but you made me realise that I have further yet to go. I realised that despite not wanting to, I still try to conform to so many conventional societal or cultural values and it is limiting. You’re on this plane where you are increasingly coming from a place of limitlessness. I can tell. If you continue on this trajectory, no-one can or will hold you back.

I feel calmer now. The energy ball has cooled. But ‘normality’ is kicking in too, in the form of embarrassment that keeps following every honest confession I make in that space you created inside me.

I’ve had nothing more than a mere glimpse of what it is to open my eyes and wake up a little. Something inside me tells me I’m about to hit a period of accelerated growth soon. Life doesn’t care about whether I’m ready for it or not.

To be continued.

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