Where I am.

Hello blog.

I know it has been an obscenely long time since any magical, colossal, creative explosions took place on this page and when I think about why that is, it’s really quite difficult to say. I almost couldn’t bear to write for a while. Some posts are minorly successful and the ego boost makes you feel like your next piece needs to match it so you get sucked into the curse of the bad writer where you conjure up a similar piece, aspiring for the same writer’s glow you got before- but piece number 2 was never authentic so the glow never really manifests.

As for today? Well it’s 2.30am on Sunday morning. I am at home. Earlier, I lay in bed and spun my consciousness into a plunging abyss of thought, whilst sleep made itself known that it was a far away prospect. So I padded downstairs in my slipper boots, laptop in arm, shuffled into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of milk. I opened up Gowri’s Page after a very long time and, aside from the poor soul who boosted my stats two days ago by reading everything on this page, my figures have been at such a low that I have returned, armed with the knowledge that no one really cares about my every goddamn thought, except maybe my poor ego and thus I am ready to write something again.

So at 2.30am on Sunday 11th September 2016, here is where I am.

  • Feeling the way I am feeling now is the closest thing to true happiness that I have experienced in an exceptionally long time. I have come to conclude that happiness is an umbrella term to convey emotion that ranges from joy to bliss to contentment. There’s the giddy, high-on-life type of happy… and the ‘I have no internal conflicts right now’ type of happy. Mine falls into the latter. It’s a good happy. A sustainable happy.
  • I am learning what it truly means to love myself by engaging in a practice that is teaching me exactly that.
  • I think I have become less of a judgemental person over recent months. I guess the more of the world you eat, the more judgement you shit right out.
  • I have become acutely aware of the fact that I am growing all the time- to the point where I literally expect life to make me into a different person in a few months time. It’s like I have mini revelations every day.
  • My car’s name is Max and he’s covered in tree sap and the process of seed dispersal is quite literally taking place all over him so I need to take him for a bath sometime this week.
  • I wonder what job fulfilment truly is. Maybe I should ditch life as I know it and become a yoga instructor. If I could actually sit with my legs crossed, it could’ve been a prospect.
  • I have come to philosophise that human presence on this Earth might just be a lucky, happy accident which empowers us to celebrate life and humbles us to respect the vibrating ball of sea and land that made us.
  • I am still healing from the ramifications of a pretty big life event that is making me tread my ground cautiously, but also creating a space inside for this weird, contained contentment.
  • I am still a control freak.
  • I have fallen in love with books all over again and nothing feels more indulgent at this point in time than a piece of chocolate, a steaming cup of Earl Grey and a glorious afternoon spent curled up in a ball where human meets blanket, losing my overworked mind in the life of a fictional character.
  • I have to apply for a job this year and it’s quite scary knowing that in this turbulent medico-political climate, I will be throwing myself into life as a baby doctor.
  • Life is a series of peaks and troughs and it’s interesting to think that our reaction to that is what creates our reality. I’m working on reacting well.

I guess that’s it, blog. That’s where I am right now. Tomorrow, next week, next month and next year it’ll be somewhere else. But right now this is it. And I am quietly content with it.

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