Writing myself better: Chapter 2

After coming back from holiday in Cyprus, I made the decision within myself to turn things around for the better.

Last night, we landed back in Manchester and my eyes were glazed over with a happy exhaustion. When we got home, I ambled into my bedroom, unpacked a few clothes, lit up some incense, took a hot shower and sat in front of a small station that I’d had set up on the corner of my desk with a scented tealight and three small idols. I sat in quiet stillness for several minutes.

As the gorgeous silence washed over me, I felt much anxiety come and go, in and out of the pit of my stomach. I slowly started to release some of those feelings in the tranquility of meditation. When I cleared the space of fear-driven clutter, I asked my intuition a question, something that I was wondering about on the flight home. I asked “How do I keep someone interested in me?” Context: I’ve spent the last three months treading an ocean of my own ‘not good enoughs’ and chasing opportunities to prove myself to everyone. To my boyfriend, my friends, my colleagues and worst of all: to my denial-drowned, ego-traumatised, reticent self.

I felt a peaceful awareness rise from the bottom of my chest, like a phoenix from the ashes. I got my answer. It was authenticity.

As the day has gone on, I started remembering more long-forgotten facts, all related to authenticity.

I remembered how I like to watch the same movies time and time again. How I will probably never get into Game of Thrones. How I want to throw fairy lights on everything. How I read lots of Sophie Kinsella as a guilty pleasure. How I absolutely love writing and it makes me feel at one with the universe. I remembered that there was a time when I was vegetarian and spent my spare time looking up reports on the internet of where I could shop ethically. I remembered the times where I spent days in a row in solitary confinement, studying relentlessly for pre-clinical exams. I remembered when I fell recklessly in love with a person from a different religion. I remembered that I quite like alcohol but don’t really like drugs. I remembered that my whole life I’ve surrendered to a God of my own understanding. I remembered how I love indian clothes more than any other clothes because they make me feel so feminine. I remembered how I love to dance even though I’m so un-coordinated. I remembered the time when one of my patients, a gorgeous, old lady hugged my arm tightly and shouted ‘I’m so happy to see you. Keep me warm!!’ and how I felt such incredible, profound joy in that moment. I remembered how the single thing that lights me up more than anything else is caring for someone like that and just being appreciated in return. 

These are all things that made me ‘interesting’ in the first place and I totally turned my back on them in a fixated attempt to be more fun, cool and interesting for other people. I think it’s true that sometimes you need to really lose yourself to find yourself again. I recall writing in a previous post that I’m jealous of people who are unafraid to be unapologetically themselves. When I was unapologetically being myself, I attracted things into my life with such ease. I was more relaxed. I was happier.

I let go of all of that when my ego led me to believe that everyone else was better than me. I felt that people whose personality traits were opposite to mine were better than me because my personality traits sucked. I felt like opinions that I had were of low value and the opinions of others had to be the ‘right’ ones.

I already feel a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. In fact, today is the calmest I’ve been in a very long time. Just knowing that it’s okay to be myself is such a step in the right direction.

As the journey continues, I hope to draw in on this feeling more and more. There will be times where being authentic feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Yet, I trust that faith and love will allow me to soulfully navigate my way through the obstacle course of life until it gets easier and I stop doubting who I am.

Furthermore… this internal commitment, the one I made to write myself better means I get to keep coming back to these chunks of my mind that I’ve bled out through a computer keyboard and remember authenticity all over again.

 

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