Today I write about something that has been bursting through my intuition for some time. As of the recent few weeks, a small bubble of awakening has been rising through my consciousness and it seems to be manifesting in ways that my higher self is totally aware of whilst I keep lagging behind, trying to play catch up.
I was the sort of child with her head in the clouds who would sit on the toilet seat after a satisfying poo, contemplating the meaning of life, aged seven. Society conditioned me to believe this wasn’t ‘normal’ so I moved away from my childlike self until I rediscovered her epic nature in my early twenties and re-embarked on personal spiritual conquests. These journeys led me to various places on the internet, to libraries, bookstores, to meditation, to trees and most recently… to my womb.
Yes, you read it correctly and even as I write, that little doubt creeps into my brain and goes ‘Gowri, isn’t this kind of weird? Maybe you shouldn’t go there…’ but NO I WILL GO THERE BRAIN because humanity’s collective consciousness is evolving and I have to play my part in this before humans fucking wipe out our beautiful Mother Earth. And also because I’ve had a major realisation lately which is that women are bending over backwards to try and make it in an evolving-but-still-patriarchal society. I am lucky to live in a part of the world where I feel that I have equal opportunities to my male counterparts. I don’t feel like I live in a man’s world every day of my life and I’m grateful for it. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that the patriarchy is something that as women, we’ve internalised, leaving us fighting something that has become part of our collective condition over several millenia. I’ll expand on this a bit more, later.
First of all, I want to talk about the divine feminine and my intuitive understanding of her. I believe that every human being, regardless of the sexual organs they possess has within their essence both masculine and feminine energies; this is the divine masculine and the divine feminine. When balanced, these energies co-exist in perfect harmony which leads to complete alignment with the universe.
Qualities I would classically attribute to the divine feminine are compassion, sensitivity, deep connection with nature, healing, being a mother, inner strength, intuition, passion, creativity and ownership over one’s sexuality. Historically, the divine feminine was held sacred and worshipped in the form of the Goddess in a multitude of cultures. However; in modern day religion, God became a man and two-thirds of the holy trinity wound up as the ‘Father’ and the ‘Son’. Curious, eh? And so begins the uprising of female oppression using religion and the fear of God to control people ways that have deeply harmed our collective consciousness (and really, we’re not getting much better than this). Women’s role in society was reduced to being exploited for them being enslaved into child bearing and prostitution for centuries on end and being labelled witches and burnt at the stake for being anything other than what the patriarchy wanted them to be.
Thankfully, I can walk outside of my own house to go pick up some Oatmilk from Booth’s without being called a witch or a whore and without being terrified of getting raped, killed or burnt alive these days. Nothing makes me sadder than knowing how many women there are in the world who still can’t do this… but that’s a story for another day.
Earlier on, I mentioned that women are still bending over backwards trying to make it in an evolving but patriarchal society. What I mean by this is that society doesn’t really get the whole ‘divine feminine’ thing because it’s a bit hippie or out there and as a result, women have to strive in order to do things without really respecting the feminine within. For example, I have to go to work and do my 13 hour shifts, even when I’m bleeding like a madwoman out of my vagina, when I’m tired and every part of my body hurts and my back aches like a bitch… and do it all over again the next day. Most women will just do this but if you’re a man and you’re reading this… have you ever thought about how much harder it is for your wife when she’s menstruating?
In a corporate environment the values that are held in highest esteem are those of working endlessly, striving to achieve and pushing ourselves to the limit. These more masculine qualities subsequently become dominant in males and females alike but in women, it often means our natural empathy, intuition, passion and creativity is quashed to make room for all the striving we have to do to keep up with everyone else. This is why so many career driven women face a mid life crisis after decades of hard work and brimming bank accounts and struggle to form relationships after this massive hiatus where they’ve had to forget everything about their inner feminine power in order to ‘make it’.
Men face an equally challenging problem. Just google ‘toxic masculinity’ and that’s what you get when men stop respecting the divine feminine within themselves. Masculine traits, which are by nature, essential, such as courage, protection, strength, respect and commitment become overpowering and can turn into anger, violence, abuse and greed.
Here’s the part where I turn into a right hippie and start detailing my own realisation and its many consequences.
I went for my cervical smear test recently (ladies, if you’re reading this, remember cervical screening saves lives and BOOK YOUR SMEAR TEST). Anyway, the nurse wasn’t able to find my contraceptive coil strings, so she referred me for a scan. I was also asked to take a pregnancy test and start another form of regular contraception until the scan. I peed on the stick and sat nervously waiting for all that good pee to soak in, thinking ‘God I’ve not done this in so long’. Two minutes later, the nurse looked at me and said ‘Okay, relief, you’re not pregnant!’
I suppose I should have been happy. I wasn’t. I was actually very sad. Now get this: I do not want to have children right now. I believe in bringing life into the world when I am in a position to be able to give said life the best chance possible and my current circumstances financially, in my relationship and in my career don’t allow me to be able to do that yet. But on that day, I came to terms with something. That something is a deep desire within me to grow a child inside me and give birth and become a mother. If this doesn’t scream divine feminine, then I don’t know what does.
Two weeks later, I’m on the pill and everything in my body feels wrong. The moon gets more and more full each time a drive home after a long-ass shift and as I look up at it, my insides feel the same. Engorged. Full. Inflamed and in dire need of a purge. I know the sensible thing to do would be to continue taking the contraceptive pill until my scan but every part of my body is begging for release. I knew I had to listen to this call so I discontinued the pill. My body let go of everything in the way it was designed to and I felt such immense relief, bleeding away, making space for more balance.
Trees. I’ve talked about trees a lot lately but frankly, I talk to trees more than I talk about them. Humanity’s connection to nature is indisputable but I have felt it in such a visceral way lately. Sitting in the presence of trees fulfils me in a way nothing else ever really has before. I believe this to be another manifestation of the divine feminine.
And finally… my soul. I believe my soul has chosen to embody this 25 year old woman for so many reasons. And the more I look, the more reasons I find. I come from a family full of strong and beautiful women. I am born to a religion which revers the female Goddess. My own grandmothers pray to the Goddess of the Earth each day in their incredible wisdom. The place I grew up, this little town called Lancaster is steeped in history, within which is contained one of the most famous Witch trials ever documented. I am born to two parents who are both doctors and though I was never pushed into their field, I was called to it because I believe myself to be, by my very nature, a healer. It all comes together. It all makes perfect sense.
Today, I choose to listen to my own internal wisdom and try to live life attuned to the call of the Goddess within me and I’m glad I wrote this piece. If it triggers a spark of awakening or familiarity in even just one person, then my work here is done.
Love, G x