It’s been two days short of two months since I moved to Sutton Coldfield. The foliage takes on a burnt orange hue, the rain is unrelenting and the morning air is thick with October chill.
I’m no stranger to the idea that settling into a new place takes time. But flip me, is it taking time. Towards the last six months of my time in Lancaster, I was feeling really, genuinely happy. I felt comfortable in my skin, I had friends around me and I spent time with them often, I relished my job and I was in my family home which was a personal safehaven during a rough time. In those months, I was sheltered and my surroundings held the space for me to mature like a Friday-night-malbec and deepen the into myself. I emerged, a changed person. Suddenly I’ve been tossed into a new environment and I’m trying to figure out where I fit in. It’s been sort of lonely here. Hence the title. Recently, the yoga studio has been the only place where I fit in.
Ever since I left school and started university, I felt like the odd one out. Changing so much whilst I was living with my parents again compounded it as I grew into my own and now I’ve come back here, more awakened, aware and just different. I feel different. Life feels different.
I started Yoga basics on Tuesday nights two months ago and have been going back every week. I can’t cross my legs or touch my toes. But connecting to my body once a week is slowly sending waves out into the rest of my life and is massively affecting the way I live.
I’ve found myself noticing everything that bit more. From… ‘hang on, am I really still hungry or am I comfortably full?’, to ‘I’m tired, let me honour that and rest’ and more recently to ‘this is an old pattern of behaviour coming up and it’s challenging and emotional and it’s making me cry; perhaps I can sit with that for a while’. My heart knows I’ve stumbled upon something quite beautiful.
Connecting with myself helps me to remember that there is deep wisdom with in me which just requires a little stillness to access. I’m sincerely doing my best to honour her because the changes that are happening on the outside feel so relentless. One obstacle after another. Facing past trauma. Shadow work. Healing. Crying. It ain’t pretty.
I’ll share more later,